“It’s a process.”
How many times have we heard that?
When I hear “it’s a process”, I immediately think, ‘okay, so when is the process going to be OVER?!’
Let me be perfectly honest and say – I don’t like this concept! I don’t want things to be a ‘process’! I want to know the path, follow the steps and arrive without a whole lot of struggle! It turns out that after my (clear my throat) years on this earth I am still doing my darndest to will myself out of any ‘process’ and push myself to ‘arrive’ as quickly as possible. Forget the ‘it’s a journey’ concept, I want the ‘I Dream of Genie’ power…fold my arms, nod my head, lesson learned.
This deep desire for instant, solid truth, and flawless application sounds an awful lot like my old friend Mr. Perfection. Didn’t I kill Mr. Perfection when I declared to the world that I was okay with being ‘ordinary’? It turns out that declaring this truth doesn’t make it any more appealing or palatable to my true self! I think I have understood for sometime that I need to be more accepting of my flaws; the creation of my blog was birthed out of the desire to record the ‘process’ (there’s that word again) of what it means to acknowledge, accept, and ultimately love my ordinary self. However, as of late, it isn’t the ‘ordinary’ concept that makes me cringe, but the arduous ‘becoming’ that has proven most difficult.
‘Becoming’ suggests, as it’s definition states,the process of coming to be somethingor in the world of philosophy, moving from one state into another. I have, for quite some time longed to BE something solid or sound; to know myself, and behave or act out of this knowing. Such phrases as ‘comfortable in my own skin’ or ‘like a fish in water’ come to mind when I think of how I long to feel about myself and my situation. I feel like I am in constant anticipation of arriving at my ‘destination’ or ‘destiny’, but I just keep missing the bus!
There is a quote that I love that, in my opinion, perfectly explains this deep desire I have to move from daily struggles into a more peaceful, knowing destination: “Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.” When do I get to evolve from an itty-bitty caterpillar, whose very movement and existence seems inconsequential all while inching around in the dirt to finally bursting open in full flight on my new, beautiful, more powerful and effective wings?! I must confess, that although there are many benefits to being ‘ordinary’, there is a deep, gnawing in the pit of my stomach to ditch the dirt and start flying already.
So, how do I get there? How do I move from one state into another? It’s a process! Ugh! Here I am, 1 year and 4 ½ months (who’s counting?) into a much needed break from my often busy and all consuming career. I took this time off to be with my family, to ‘cocoon’ for awhile, and to allow some changes to take place, both in me and around me. If you had spoken to me a year ago, I would’ve been hopeful that this ‘process’ would now be over and I would be out flying around again on my new wings. Instead, here I am, still struggling to accept that the journey I am taking isn’t quick and painless but often slow and sometimes painful. However, inspite of, or sometimes because of this difficult time, there is also great beauty and a deep, lasting joy that, at times, emerges. Perhaps they are a foreshadowing or foretaste of something that is growing, but not quite ready. After all, it isn’t until the caterpillar submits itself to be broken, opened up, insides exposed that the metamorphosis begins. I believe I have to be willing to do the same. I must be willing to submit myself to the sometimes difficult and often painful ‘process’ of life in order to develop a stronger, deeper, lasting joy and freedom. Choosing to believe, that as Psalm 30:5 says: Although there may be pain in the night – the joy comes in the morning.
Becoming Ordinary: Day 289